20th August 2022
So whilst life has definitely given us a shake and I have had a bumpy week with Fred when I tried to school, there are some things to be hopeful about.
Listening to "The subtle knife" on audible whilst driving to the yard yesterday, there was a moment that really struck home. For those of you familiar with the dark materials trilogy, you'll know that for Lyra to read the alethiometer and for Will to use the knife they have to put themselves into a certain mindset. As Will is learning to use the knife (having just lost two fingers!) Lyra tells him not to block out the pain because his mind can't to two things at once. She says "you're trying to do two things with your mind, both at once. You're trying to ignore the pain and close the window.... Just
relax your mind and say, yes it does hurt, I know. Don't try and shut it out."
And when will tries to cut a window to the next world he lets hid mind wander to the very tip of the sword and finds he can cut the window.
This statement caught my attention. Over the past week I had tried to block the pain of losing Nelson and focus solely on schooling Fred. This blocking clearly wasn't working and Fred was becoming agitated. And so, with a lesson planned on Friday, I parked the car and allowed myself to feel the pain, relaxing my mind, acknowledging that it hurt and noticing where it sat. Then I tried to push my thoughts to the very edges of my body as if they could make contact with Fred. I got him from the field, we walked down to the stable (with me continuing to do this) I tacked up, and had a fantastic lesson, returning to the field with the connection to Fred restored and hope in my heart. Hope that we can get back to jumping and dressage and competing. The first step to a new normal.
And today, we went for a hack (which he's been an absolute angel doing ever since we arrived, so brave as we go investigating to places we don't know, following sat nav!) and we found our first bridleway in Stone Allerton and had a little canter out down to Chapel Allerton. Tomorrow we may investigate further or have a day off. We'll see where the mood takes us.
